The Mess Drives Me Crazy!

My husband and I were both messy people before we got married. Now with two of us, our house is a disaster area! We both are very busy people, he's a teacher and I'm a grad student. When we are together at home we would rather watch a movie and drink beer than clean. However, sometimes the mess drives me crazy! What should we do?

Once, I had to live with my former master, the great Sith Lord, Darth Plagueis. He had a system in which we each did thirty minutes of housework every two weeks. “This works out to a few minutes a day,” he’d say. So, on alternating Saturdays, before lunch, we’d vacuum, sweep, mop, touch up the bathroom, and straighten the living room, and then return to our regular routines thirty minutes later. Deep down inside, I knew there was a better way, so I killed him in his sleep. This was a great boon to me, and I was able to rise to a position where countless minions are available to pick up after me.

This may not be the case for you and your husband, so between you and me, you should use the chaos to your advantage. Become the one who knows where things are, and then you will hold power over all domestic matters. If you suspect that your husband’s ability to recall are better than yours, start moving things around. His pride will keep him from saying that he is losing his mind. But once you have convinced him of this, you can do whatever you like.

You can solicit Palpatine's advice by emailing palpatine@gregcarter.net. Protecting your anonymity also serves his ends.

Should I Go Back to My Academic Job?

Should I just keep traveling indefinitely after this visit to Asia, or should I go back to my academic job in the States in the fall?

At first, your question perplexed me, and then I remembered that your world lacks the facility in travel that the Galactic Empire enjoys. As I understand, to move between continents requires commitments of time, money, and fossil fuels overwhelming for average individuals. In my world, we jump through hyperspace with the greatest of ease, fuel comes from an endless supply, and the light show is quite dazzling too.

In any case, do your travels involve conquering these places? Are you bringing Asia under your command? Do you have a large enough standing army to keep the peace once you move on? (Cloning facilities can help with this. If you have the means, I highly recommend getting some.) If not, I suggest returning to your home system, and starting there.

But I sense great dissatisfaction with that option, and this is the crux of your query. I suggest patience. Start small. Gain people’s trust. And then manipulate them towards your wishes. My career began as a senator from a little-known star system beyond the core worlds. It took nearly a quarter of a century to become Emperor of the whole galaxy, but it was worth it. The same may be true for you.

You can solicit Palpatine's advice by emailing palpatine@gregcarter.net. Protecting your anonymity also serves his ends.

In the Middle of Loving Someone

I'm in the middle of loving someone. And she loves me. But she needs to leave her boyfriend. In the meantime, she hasn't left him yet, and I, being STD free, have not been sleeping around, now in fear of getting an STD, finally being in a relationship with this woman, and bringing an STD to the table. I'm frustatred. I need sex. What should I do?

My friend, I can tell you are a man of deep feelings, and you should always follow your feelings. Trust in your feelings will lead you to countless possibilities, all of which serve your desires. Concentrate on these. In the meantime, consider this: Perhaps it is not your need for sex nor her need to leave her current boyfriend that is your greatest obstacle. Perhaps it is her boyfriend himself. Eliminate him. Show no mercy. Do what must be done. Personally, I prefer hand-to hand combat, but when this is inconvenient, I like to send an assassin to do away with them. When there are great numbers of opponents, I send in legions of soldiers, but you may not have such resources at hand.

However you choose to dispatch the boyfriend, know that this will put the object of your desire in emotional distress. Be there for her, comfort her, and guide her to choosing a life with you. Once you makeit clear that it is the only way, she’ll come to agree and appreciate your fortitude.

You can solicit Palpatine's advice by emailing palpatine@gregcarter.net. Protecting your anonymity also serves his ends.

More Than Two Children?

I am a smart veterinary student, and my husband is an uncommonly intelligent engineer. We have degrees from prestigious universities. However, diabetes and heart disease run in my family, and my husband has Crohn's disease and a congenital heart problem. If we had three kids, we would contribute to overpopulation, but perhaps (even despite the medical issues) marginally increase the quality of that population (aren't I pretentious!). May we ethically have more than two children?

On one hand, you should have no fear about whether to produce children. This is a matter of love, not rational choice. Eugenicist ideas like selective breeding have fallen far out of favor with the scientific community. Besides, just because a child inherits a disposition towards diabetes, heart disease, or some other disability does not mean he or she will not lead a fulfilling life. Thomas Edison had diabetes. Julius Caesar was an epileptic. Shakespeare's Richard III had a withered arm, a limp, and a hunched back. My own rise to power occurred only after great disfigurement after being struck by lightning.

On the other hand, whether you contribute greatly to the "quality of that population" is moot. The best society is one where a great leader parses out regional jurisdiction to military governors, misfits emigrate to the outskirts, and day-to-day duties go to clones and droids. Yes, you are being pretentious; the health of your spawn is inconsequential to the galaxy.

You can solicit Palpatine's advice by emailing palpatine@gregcarter.net. Protecting your anonymity also serves his ends.